One Day at a Time...

Today it has been 7 months since my Dad passed away. There is a song that's popular on country radio (A Little Bit Stronger, by Sara Evans) that I find myself listening to over and over these days. It's about a breakup, but I feel such a connection to the heartbreak in the words....

Woke up late today
and I still feel the sting of the pain
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
I got dressed through the mess,
and I put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

I know my heart will never be the same,
but I keep telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

Seven months. Sometimes I think how can it have been that long? He was just here. Just here with us. Just here. And then other days, I think about all that he has already missed. How many things have changed in these past seven months. I look at Graham and wonder if he sees him. Does he see him growing and changing? Can he hear Logan and how much he is talking now? How descriptive he is? Can he see how hard I'm working? My business? How it's growing? I know he would be proud. IS proud.

I snapped at someone a few weeks ago. Not meaning to really, but I had just heard the same thing one too many times. She said, "Well, at least you and your Mom have each other. You can comfort each other and be together." I know that she meant well, just as I know everyone else who has said similar things to me over the last seven months means well. But, I couldn't help but say, "Yes, that is great BUT...she is not my Daddy. I am not her husband." Most of you know that my Mom and I are best friends and a wonderful source of comfort for each other, but that doesn't take away from the extreme sense of loss we both (we all) feel. The sense of disappointment. The sense of just feeling ripped off. I know that people say things for many reasons. They want you to look at the positive side of things. They want to feel like they've said something that helped you. Take it from me and don't say things like this to people when they're experiencing something like this. Just say what a terrible loss it is and move on. Tell a story about the person who passed away. Tell them why you loved him or her. Or, just say you're sorry, but don't try to make them see the positive side of it. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to grieve or that it's not okay to talk about how crappy it is and how much I miss him. Don't get me wrong, I'm a positive person and I DO amazingly see many blessings that have come from Dad getting sick and passing away. But, none of them bring him back and none of them take away my grief.

Logan still talks about him regularly. For months, he'd ask about him every day and talk about how sad he was that he died. Last week, he shared with me a true memory of him. It was beautiful. We took the boys to the columbarium on Easter Sunday and Logan talked to Granddad. He told him he missed him and that he loved him. He said Happy Easter. And, I held it together and didn't cry. I got a little bit stronger.

Posted in: on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 at at 10:48 PM