Healing
Today it has been 7 months since my Dad passed away. There is a song that's popular on country radio (A Little Bit Stronger, by Sara Evans) that I find myself listening to over and over these days. It's about a breakup, but I feel such a connection to the heartbreak in the words....
Woke up late today
and I still feel the sting of the pain
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
I got dressed through the mess,
and I put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I keep telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.
Seven months. Sometimes I think how can it have been that long? He was just here. Just here with us. Just here. And then other days, I think about all that he has already missed. How many things have changed in these past seven months. I look at Graham and wonder if he sees him. Does he see him growing and changing? Can he hear Logan and how much he is talking now? How descriptive he is? Can he see how hard I'm working? My business? How it's growing? I know he would be proud. IS proud.
I snapped at someone a few weeks ago. Not meaning to really, but I had just heard the same thing one too many times. She said, "Well, at least you and your Mom have each other. You can comfort each other and be together." I know that she meant well, just as I know everyone else who has said similar things to me over the last seven months means well. But, I couldn't help but say, "Yes, that is great BUT...she is not my Daddy. I am not her husband." Most of you know that my Mom and I are best friends and a wonderful source of comfort for each other, but that doesn't take away from the extreme sense of loss we both (we all) feel. The sense of disappointment. The sense of just feeling ripped off. I know that people say things for many reasons. They want you to look at the positive side of things. They want to feel like they've said something that helped you. Take it from me and don't say things like this to people when they're experiencing something like this. Just say what a terrible loss it is and move on. Tell a story about the person who passed away. Tell them why you loved him or her. Or, just say you're sorry, but don't try to make them see the positive side of it. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to grieve or that it's not okay to talk about how crappy it is and how much I miss him. Don't get me wrong, I'm a positive person and I DO amazingly see many blessings that have come from Dad getting sick and passing away. But, none of them bring him back and none of them take away my grief.
Logan still talks about him regularly. For months, he'd ask about him every day and talk about how sad he was that he died. Last week, he shared with me a true memory of him. It was beautiful. We took the boys to the columbarium on Easter Sunday and Logan talked to Granddad. He told him he missed him and that he loved him. He said Happy Easter. And, I held it together and didn't cry. I got a little bit stronger.
Posted in: on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 at at 10:48 PM 2 comments
Memaw and Graham
Mommy and Logan riding the Easter train
Easter Sunday we went to church as a family and then over to my Mom's for lunch. We HAD to make the bunny cake which is a family tradition. I'll have to find some pictures of early bunny cakes and post them because I've been doing this every Easter for as long as I can remember. 
Uncle Marty and Graham
Logan with his two teachers Mrs. Webb and Mrs. West. They are awesome!!
Showing Grandma and Grandpa something in his classroom
More artwork: The 
Well, we successfully made it to six months old without Graham ever having anything but 
He decided really quickly that he LOVED it! Look at him already opening his mouth up wide!
Of course, big brother had to get in on the action. I had been telling him all day that Graham was going to eat food off a spoon and that he could help. He was so excited!
Big blue eyes....(Do you see some red coming in that hair?!?!)
Here's Graham and I with the beautiful sunset 
One morning we stopped on a dirt road and let Logan see the crops. This is a cotton field (the cotton hasn't been planted yet for this year.) We found some cotton with the seeds still in it. He was really fascinated by this and asked Granddad for advice on how to grow them.
Here we are next to the wheat field. Look how beautiful this land is! 
My sweet Granddad with Graham. He couldn't get over how happy and smiley Graham was. It was really cute to see Graham "talk" to him
